I'm with you
by Yellowwolf
Summary: OneShot to ITGPSW. He’d felt it, the extent of his powers. He had felt how easy it would be to summon them. They were burning within him, dormant, waiting.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own them.  
**  
Author's note:** After reading 'Taking sides' by Onari (If you haven't read it yet, you totally should, it's brilliant!), I got inspired to write my own one-shot about 4.07 (It's the great pumpkin, Sam Winchester) and forced myself to really get into Sam's head, really write his feelings. I hope I succeeded.

**Beta:** Thanks to my first ever beta, Amy (Dean'sAngel17) for beta'ing this one-shot!

_**I'm with you**_

A feeling of dread washed over Sam. Slowly and reluctantly, he raised his gaze to meet his brother's. He didn't need to be close to him to see the anguish, worry and desperation in his eyes and his stance. His throat closed up. He found himself unable to look away or even move. The power still pulsing through his veins and the throbbing headache did nothing to ease the growing feeling of guilt.

When Dean looked away, he felt his heart break. His own brother couldn't even stand to look at him. He slumped back against the wall. His legs gave out and he slid down the rest of the way. He fixed his gaze on his knees, unable to watch as Dean approached. He didn't want to accidentally catch the expression of disgust in his eyes. He didn't need his brother to tell him what a freak he was because he already knew. With every beat of his heart, demon blood was pumped through his veins. He felt dirty, contaminated but there was nothing he could do to get rid of it. It was a part of him.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Dean crouch down next to the lifeless form of the teacher. Samhain had been the most powerful demon he'd ever gone up against. Sam had felt his power, it had given him one hell of a headache. With every step Samhain had taken, the power within himself had started growing. He had felt it building within him up to the point where he thought he would just explode. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that the feeling of the power had given him a rush. It had almost felt good. And even for that thought, he felt disgusted with himself.

He'd felt it, the extent of his powers. He had felt how easy it would be to summon them. They were burning within him, dormant, waiting. He didn't want to summon them though, because he knew that once he opened that door, he wouldn't be able to close it. Once he embraced them, there was no going back. He was scared. Scared that he couldn't keep fighting them, scared that he was really going to become one of the things they hunted.

He felt sick, physically sick. He barely managed to turn his head to the side before he started throwing up. It hurt but he couldn't force it back down. A hand started rubbing his back while another hand enclosed his arm. It was meant to be soothing but it only made him feel more dirty. He was a freak, Dean shouldn't stay with him.

When there was nothing left to throw up, he was left retching. Tears stung and he had to force them back. He was not going to cry. He'd done enough.

When he was done, he was gasping for breath. He closed his eyes, not able to look at his brother. He was afraid to meet his eyes.

"Let's get out of here, Sam." Dean's voice was surprisingly soft. He tugged on his arm. Sam allowed Dean to pull him upright. He was pretty unsteady on his feet. Dean's arm came around his waist while the other remained on his upper arm.

"I've got you." Dean spoke. Sam reluctantly opened his eyes but fixed them firmly on the ground.

Dean made sure he got in the Impala safely before going around to the driver's side. Sam gazed out the window. The engine purred to life.

People were still out, not aware of what had just happened. It was weird, seeing children with their parents, so careless, so free, so normal. They didn't have to worry about demons, Angels and demon blood. They didn't know how hard it was, leading the lives they led. They had the luxury of having a place to call home, they had a family. Something the brothers no longer had. They only had each other and Bobby. Dean was his home but slowly and surely it was being ripped away from him and it was his own fault. His powers were creating a wedge between them. He was pushing Dean away. He couldn't handle losing him, not again.

"I didn't mean to use my powers. He knocked the knife out of my hands and I couldn't get to it. I didn't have a choice, I had to." Sam explained, suddenly desperate for Dean to understand that he had gone in, fully intending on killing Samhain with the knife.

"I know." Dean answered.

The answer surprised Sam and he whipped his head around to look at Dean. He couldn't read him though.

"What?"

"I know, Sammy. If you hadn't used your powers, he would've killed us and this whole town. You saved everyone." Dean said, throwing him a brief glance. But it was enough for Sam to see the pained look in his eyes. Dean hated to admit this, hated admitting these demonic powers had saved them.

"I'm not sure the Angels will see it that way." Sam said, fear gripping him at the thought of Castiel and Uriel. They would probably know by now what he had done.

Dean hit the brakes so suddenly that Sam would've flown right through the window if he hadn't been wearing his seatbelt.

"Screw them! They don't know shit!" Dean hissed vehemently. Sam was surprised at the anger burning in his brother's eyes. He didn't understand it.

"Aren't you supposed to be on their side?" It was the wrong thing to say as anger turned into fury.

"Is that what you think?" Dean asked, voice low and dangerous. "What? You think that if they tell me to kill you, that I will? Or that I will let them?"

Sam opened his mouth as if to reply but had to shut it again when he realized that he didn't know. Dean turned away from him, seething and started the car again, leaving Sam to his thoughts. He'd always assumed that if the Angels really wanted him dead, that he would die. He hadn't really considered Dean in all of this. He knew Dean would never kill him, he had been unable to before but he hadn't thought further than that. He hadn't thought that Dean would still have his back. The fact that he did was enough to make him feel warm inside. Maybe he wasn't so alone as he had originally thought.

Dean didn't say anything until they entered the motel room.

"I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression that I'm not on your side." Dean said quietly. He was not looking at him which was not surprising. Sam knew how his brother hated talking about what he was feeling. It was a miracle in itself that he was trying. He wished he could say something witty but he was still coming up blank.

"I am, Sam. You're my little brother. I don't care what Castiel or anyone says. They're not touching you, not as long as I can help it. They're going to have to go through me if they want you dead."

"Dean –"

"I mean it." Dean interrupted, meeting his eyes. Sam could see the fire burning in his eyes again but this time it was determination and something else that he couldn't quite read. "I'm with you."

Those three words meant so much that Sam could feel his throat close up again. They meant too much. They meant that Dean was going to risk his own life if they attempted to kill him. It meant Dean would die for him. He didn't want that. Something broke inside of him.

"No, Dean, don't. Don't try to protect me, please. You can't." He hated that he was pleading but he needed Dean to understand that he couldn't save him.

"Maybe not but I will. No matter how bad it gets, I'm on your side." Dean spoke.

A sob tore itself from his throat and he could feel himself fall to pieces. His legs stopped carrying his weight but before he could hit the ground, strong arms wrapped around him. They sank to the ground together with Sam sobbing helplessly against his brother's chest. Dean's arms tightened around him, fiercely pressing him against his chest. Despair washed over him. He didn't want these powers, he didn't want to put Dean in this position.

"It's going to be okay, Sammy. We'll figure this out together. I'll help you. I'm here."

Sam wanted to pull away, tell Dean he didn't need him, that he could handle it but he was too weak and he had just proven that he couldn't handle it. He needed his older brother, more than anything. He required Dean to tell him it was going to be okay; maybe if he said it often enough he would actually believe him. He wanted Dean because he reminded him of all the good. Dean was all he needed. He needed to keep reminding himself of that.

He fisted the material of Dean's shirt. He didn't feel like holding anything back. He'd done that enough the last couple of weeks.

Eventually the sobs died down and he was left drawing in shuddering breaths. Dean's arms loosened around him. Sam was starting to feel embarrassed for breaking down like this. His brother probably didn't need this crap and yet here he was, holding him. He tried to pull away but Dean's arms tightened around him again so Sam just settled back against Dean. His hand was still resting against his chest and he could feel his heart beat steadily beneath his fingers. It was soothing.

He could barely remember the last time Dean had held him like this. It was way back when they were still young. Dean would lie with him and hold him when he got scared. He'd thought things were bad then, they were a million time worse now.

When he pulled away a second time, Dean let him.

"Sorry," he murmured quietly, looking anywhere but at his brother. Dean changed that by gently taking his chin and turning his head back.

"Don't be." He said simply with a little smile. Dean's hand moved to his cheek, gently wiping away the tear tracks. Sam was surprised by the simple act but nonetheless leaned in into the warmth of his hand.

"What do you say we get some sleep? It's been an exhausting day." Dean said with a little smile. Sam nodded. He got up quickly and pulled Dean to his feet. They changed clothes in silence and slid in to bed.

"Thanks." Sam whispered into the darkness.

"What are brothers for?" Dean answered.

Sam smiled and closed his eyes. At least he still had his brother. Right now, that meant the world to him.

**The end  
**  
_Let me know what you think!_


End file.
